Losing Perspective, Gaining Weight

Grrrrrr. I’ve let myself gain weight once again! Curses! I cut down on work hours and let myself eat everything in my house and my friends’ houses during my free time. So basically I’m in the same boat as last year. But I’m glad to say it doesn’t seem as disastrous as it used to. I feel a certain strength in me nowadays. That, my friends, is what I’m guessing is called confidence? I wouldn’t know for sure, it’s such a foreign concept to me =\ Whatever it is, it has a (hopefully permanent) place in my head; it sits in a comfy little green chair in the corner of my brain telling me that I can do this. “This” being anything. I don’t think in absolutes now. It’s not the end of the world when things go wrong, whether it’s weight stuff or work stuff or family stuff or stuff like my car stopping in the middle of the road during rush hour traffic (which actually happens way too often to me). I let myself get depressed easily. If something’s not perfect, it doesn’t seem worth doing. But I’m trying to change that now. I was thinking about my blog for the past few days and I realized how SAD it is! It’s so negative and depressing and serious! That makes me a bit disappointed in myself because I started this blog as a fun way to let out the struggles of being overweight and dealing with people’s (and definitely my own) prejudices. Moti Muslim has got to be a safe haven for me because if I don’t let myself talk about my craziness, I’m likely to pop like a Pillsbury crescent can. I’m fine with talking about the wacky stuff going on but I don’t have to be so darn serious! And I can laugh at my own jokes here because in real life, not only do people frown at me for finding myself hilarious, they frown at me for finding myself hilarious when I (apparently) didn’t say anything remotely funny. Whatever, I think poop jokes are hilarious. Anyway, I would like to keep this place light and positive and the same goes for my life iA! Goodbye for now! It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have to bake lots of cupcakes, most of which I will probably eat myself. I can only hope I still fit into my tights this weekend; even the stretchiest material has a limit!

Maybe

Did I lose weight? The scale says no but I look better. Maybe I just started dressing better. Maybe I started photographing better. Maybe I started seeing better. Maybe I started feeling better. Maybe I started loving better. Maybe I started living better. Maybe I became better. Maybe I can be better. Maybe I will be better. Maybe I always was better. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe I am better. Maybe I am fine. Maybe I am good. Maybe… maybe I am great.

24 Days Sober

Recently I accomplished something I thought was impossible for me so I’m going to go on for a little while about how darn proud I am of myself! I went 24 days without having a sip of any kind of pop! Now keep in mind, I used to drink coke or gingerale 3-6 times a day before! Gross, right? I don’t know where I found the strength to say no dozens of times each day for almost a month. Especially when I would stand in front of a bottomless and FREE pop machine every day. I did have some Coke the other day though and although I’m a little sad about ruining my perfect streak, I still feel INVINCIBLE! I never thought I’d say no to Coke. Sure, I’ve cut down before but never went two days without it. After those 24 days I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. The old me would have thought that drinking that bottle of Coke the other day was disastrous but now I know that it’s okay to let myself have a treat now and then. If I’ve given it up before, I can do it again. I don’t feel like a slave to myself anymore. The only thing I am apprehensive about is that I could easily get into that zone where I keep telling myself, “oh yeah you can stop any time you want, another drink won’t hurt you.” So I’m hoping that, yes, I CAN stop any time I want to. And if I can do it with Coke, I can do it with my second biggest addiction, chocolate. And then I can do it with McDonald’s. And everything else that’s harming me. I sometimes feel like an alcoholic when I think of how much I love Coke. I am under a certain high after drinking it. It is my go-to form of celebrating. I hide bottles of it from my family. I hoard it. It has power over me. And now I feel like I’ve been clean for almost a month. I feel sober. I used to get chest and stomach pains every few days before and I noticed it ALL went away this last month. I’ve been trying to pay really close attention to my body and any changes it goes through and it’s been really helpful because I can now pinpoint how each thing I eat affects my body. And Coke really messes me up.

Lately I’ve been feeling so trapped every time I eat fast food junk. It happens out of habit now that I go through a drive-thru after work and grab fries or a burger. But from the first bite, I’m wishing I had celery in my hand or an apple. It’s weird to crave fruits and veggies; it’s the polar opposite of who I’ve been most of my life. It’s something to get used to but it’s a good change. My body is telling me what I need very clearly, I just have to listen.