Picturesque Pakistan

I was originally asked to write about my trip to Pakistan for Steps to Follow , a passionate blog about the love of traveling. I am also posting it to Moti Muslim but for anyone looking for a good read and a trip around the world from the comfort of your home, visit Steps to Follow, you won’t regret it!

Next month it will have been one year since my family and I broke the bank to make our hearts a little richer. Okay, a lot richer! But that’s what travel does, isn’t it? And it’s even better when you go to a place with hundreds of years of family history. For us, that was Pakistan.

My sister and I were born and raised in Canada but Pakistan always had a place in our home. Our parents are Pakistani and they surrounded us with the same food, movies, language, and clothes that they grew up with back in Peshawar and Lahore. I have never been more grateful for this upbringing than I was when we landed at the airport. It was like entering a whole new ocean, one that I had only dipped my finger into and was now swimming in. Actually, almost drowning!

I had seen Pakistan through pictures and videos before but being there in person was nothing like I expected. It was crowded everywhere we went. I hated this at first but after a week or so you get so accustomed to it that you start to flow with the rest of the crowd. At first glance, the cities look so cramped you wonder how people get around. But then when you really start to look, you see stunning beauty in the architecture, in the ingenious habits of people maneuvering their way around the city. The real beauty is that there are gems hidden (and not so hidden) everywhere in these places; if you blink you might miss them. There were mosques, gates, and houses, all of them with unique touches of colour and embellishments. Not one building looks the same.

Speaking of unique touches, I can tell you one thing for sure: Pakistanis take their weddings seriously! We were fortunate enough to be invited to a wedding during our time there and we were blown away by the halls. In one city, most of the wedding halls were on one strip!! You just drive and drive and drive past hall after hall after hall. The parking lots are huge! Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and you feel like you’re at the Oscars. We accidentally entered the wrong hall for a few minutes (I’m really hoping this happens often with all those halls to choose from!) so we got to see the inside of two halls. The designs were breathtaking. The ceilings had me drooling and snapping pictures every half second (all while trying not to seem too awkward after realizing we didn’t know anyone there).

Due to this being a family-oriented trip, I can’t really say our focus was on sightseeing. It was more like seeing whatever sights you can on the way to every cousin’s, aunt’s, and grandparent’s house. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. In addition to learning a bit about the country’s history, I also learned about how each place held my family’s memories. I saw places where they played, where bought their groceries and clothes at, where they used to go to school. I think I saw Pakistan more clearly through their eyes than my own. During these drives around the country though, we had cute little surprises pop up, such as this little guy:

Apparently they can be very dangerous and bite but this one was so cute and tame! I’m guessing he/she loves tangerines because it ate four of them in two minutes!

Another cool experience was when we got to experience a free rickshaw ride! The driver had lovely old Bollywood music playing on the radio and that combined with the beautiful weather made the whole experience dream-like.

The one uncompromising item on my to-do list was to see a peacock and it I’m so grateful it happened! The best part was that my grandmother’s house had them as pets, meaning I got to stare at them for as long as I wanted. I think I made them and my family uncomfortable at one point. But they are fascinatingly beautiful creatures!

Another item on my to-do list was to visit and pray in Badshahi Mosque in Lahore. Another check! Badshahi Mosque was completed in 1673 and is the second largest in Pakistan, with a capacity of 100,000. Just imagine how spacious it is! Walking around in this breathtaking mosque was an experience I will remember forever. I felt the serenity deep in my bones. The beautiful call to prayer resounds throughout the halls and carries you away. I could’ve spent weeks there if they allowed overnight guests haha.

Yet another cool experience was walking around Lahore Fort. Actually, the way to Badshahi Mosque is through Lahore Fort. One of my favourite parts of the Fort was the Diwan-e-Khas (Hall of Special Audience). I was told this hall and one other was used for royal audiences; standing there in the middle of it, I couldn’t help but wish to have been a fly on the wall during that time.

Another favourite was Sheesh Mahal (The Palace of Mirrors) and I’m sure you can guess by the name why it stands out for me. Cool fact about the Sheesh Mahal: it was constructed by Emperor Shah Jahan, the same guy who built the Taj Mahal! Pretty neat eh? This monument has a mirror mosaic and although it has faded over time, you can still see the beauty of it to this day.

If you recall, I mentioned that Badshahi Mosque was the second largest mosque in Pakistan. Now onto the first! Faisal Mosque is located in the city of Islamabad, near the Himalayas. It used to be the largest mosque in the world! Altogether it has a capacity of 274,000. Can you just imagine what a full house would look like? When we visited, we were just a few minutes shy of attending congregational prayers and almost missed seeing the inside because they lock up afterwards. Luckily my lovely cousin begged the guard to let us in since we had come all the way from Canada so he had mercy on us and snuck us in. We prayed in an empty alcove with the most beautiful lush red carpet. In the end I was glad to have missed the crowd because it was an incredible experience to be the only ones in an area so quiet, you can almost hear yourself blink.

Last but not least, we saw another palace called Noor Mahal in the city of Bahawalpur. It was modeled off of an Italian chateau so it was neat to see architecture like this in the midst of the previous designs I have included here. I didn’t get many pictures inside as I was having too much fun goofing off with all my cousins but I can tell you that it was nice enough to be used for a wedding photo shoot! We saw a newly married couple getting their pictures taken there and it was stunning.

Overall, this adventure was so epic that it’s still fresh in my mind; I could swear it was just last week that we were eating a hot and fresh paratha every morning, meeting long-lost relatives every afternoon, and accidentally knocking over bikers with our car doors. Not only did this trip open my eyes to a new way of living, it opened my eyes to how many blessings I have. In this country, you can’t escape the poor and their troubles. There are disabled men, women, and children begging in the middle of traffic and outside of stores everywhere you go. I was brought to tears every time we went outside. So I have to say that I am fully aware that my experience of Pakistan was through very privileged forms; it’s not that way for every citizen there. And yet I still saw a certain comfort in most people’s eyes; they seemed content and confident. And man, do they know how to drive! From what I saw in the three weeks there, I wouldn’t be surprised if Pakistan had one of the lowest accident rates! Okay, it’s probably not true, but it’s as if they all have an innate sense of how to drive in such crowded areas. I didn’t see any accidents, or near accidents even. In fact, the one “accident” I did see was the one we caused haha! We were parked in a very tiny alleyway and a guy on a motorcycle tried to get past, and we accidentally opened our car door at that moment and knocked him into the wall. He literally just dusted himself off, picked up his bike, and kept on going. So the great thing is that even if somebody does get into an accident, nobody cares. Nobody has car insurance so that probably makes all the difference 😉

Basically, life in Pakistan is kind of care-free sometimes and definitely worth seeing. I hope the pictures and the history inspire you to visit one day!

False Foods & False Friends

Things I don’t have time for anymore: false foods and false friends. Both can be highly damaging to my health so if changes need to be made to my body, the same goes for my heart.

As I grow older, my circle of friends downsizes and I’ve been told that’s how it goes for most people. I used to feel bad until I did a mental before and after picture of my life and saw that I made the right choices. Not because these old friends were bad people or anything but because they didn’t fit into what I became. I tried to picture what it would be like to have those people beside me in my current trials and fortunes and it boggles my mind how easily they were not missed. I know, I know, I sound like a horrible person! Still, hear me out. The same people I thought I couldn’t imagine my life without are now better off wherever they are. We would both rather not have the other around in our lives. We outgrew each other. And whether the relationship ended peacefully or with conflict, it happened just the way it was meant to be. Even though I fought the ending of many friendships, both sides were so much better off. This opened up room for new opportunities, experiences, and relationships. I truly believe people are put into our lives for a reason and a season.

I can’t say with 100% certainty that I don’t miss certain people at times but I’m okay with leaving our history where it is. Sometimes a friendship is more effort than we can afford. Some are easier than others and I find those are the ones that last. The easygoing ones, the ones with the most acceptance. There is a certain connection there that can last through time. But the hard ones, though beautiful and rewarding, are perhaps on a time-limit and one day they expire without you expecting it.

When I started realizing that I would have to give up certain foods (or cut down on them significantly) because they are bad for me, I saw that it was the same with certain people in my life. Just as it became more of an effort to keep eating bad, it became harder to maintain some relationships. Both were not worth the effort because in the end, my body paid dearly for a few good moments. Sadly, the consequences of each outweigh the benefits. If I leave a delicious meal feeling sick, it’s not worth it. If I leave the company of a person feeling ticked, it’s not worth it. I am trying to be a better person and thus I have to make an effort to surround myself with that which will make me better, whether it’s the company I keep or the food that I eat.

Friends and food should heal; they should bring joy, not misery. They are both part of a support system that helps you function. If your food and your friends are not building you up, it’s time for a change. It is also important to remember that these things reflect the effort you put in too; it’s not one-sided. If we make the effort to eat well, we will be rewarded with health. If we make the effort to be kind and honest to others, and listen deeply, and help them, we will hopefully get the same treatment. It is when these things are not reciprocated that I usually wonder whether a relationship is good for me. Life is too short for false foods or false friends. I’m cutting the dead weight (literally!) as much as I can this year.

May Allah forgive me for any arrogance or unkindness that unintentionally slips into my heart.

Doing the Impossible

You wouldn’t guess from the title of this post that I’m about to talk about soup. SOUP! Delicious, creamy, homemade, 90 calorie soup! That I made! By myself!!!!!! And it tasted so good that it’s going to iA become a staple for me! It was healthy, it was quick, it was a dream!

If you’ve read even one of my posts, you’ll know that I do not cook. Because I cannot cook. If something I make looks the way it’s supposed to, it definitely doesn’t taste like it, and vice versa. That is why this soup was such a huge victory for me. I feel like I can do anything now!!! I MADE SOUP!!!! It actually looked and tasted like I bought it from a restaurant. I can’t believe it. I know I followed a recipe but trust me, if you knew my track record, you’d be just as surprised as me that this worked out.

I’m going to link the recipe because it’s too good not to share! It’s healthy, yummy, and takes about 5 ingredients (most of which you probably have at home!), and about half an hour to make. Gahh I’m so happy alhamdulilah!!!! SOUP!!! Who woulda thought?? 😀

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2009/01/dads-creamy-cauliflower-soup-1-pt.html?m=1

And here’s a picture of my soup so you know that it really does turn out like the author’s!

Introversion & Islam Part II: Guest Post

Get ready to have your minds blown! If you remember, a few days ago I wrote about being an introvert and how I’m trying to reconcile that with Islam. A few lovely readers gave amazing insight and helped me so much, so a huge thank you goes out to them 🙂

Now I would like to present an extraordinarily written piece by none other than my best friend and sister, Saddaf. Alhamdulilah she had once gone through the same problem as me on this subject and in turn had amazing insight. She has agreed to share her thoughts with you all and believe me, it’s a wonderful work of writing masha’Allah. I wouldn’t be surprised if people insisted she start her own blog after this (which I’ve already begged her to do)!

So here it is ladies and gentlemen! Enjoy! 🙂
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The Prophet (SAW) passed by a man who was admonishing his brother regarding Haya and was saying, “You are very shy, and I am afraid that might harm you.” On that, Allah’s Apostle said, “Leave him, for Haya is (a part) of Faith.” (Bukhari) – Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar (ra).

The idea of Introversion and Extroversion has made a home in my mind for many years now although I did not understand these patterns while I was younger. As an adult and through the process of self-discovery and the blessing of knowledge I was able to dig deeper and understand the nuances of these terms. The psychological fascination with these concepts has recently been replaced by an intrigue related to how these might play out in Islam and what this means for me as a Muslim. Another epiphany that arose from this inquiry is that Islam is everywhere (as in, it can be applied everywhere) – in every subject, in every aspect, in every experience, in every thought, in every emotion, in every reaction, and especially in every behaviour. I seek not to lay out any judgements or promote any opinions that support one way of being or experiencing ourselves or our lives is better or worse than another. My only purpose arose from the act of “putting pen to paper” in order to organize and express my ideas and thoughts around my place in this resplendent religion. Being an Introvert, I may easily say that my type is the best (we get to be cozy, strive for deep meaningful conversations, and thoroughly take advantage of our Netflix subscriptions 😉 – Alhamdullilah) however that would imply that I am putting down the Extroverts that enjoy fast-paced conversations, are entertaining, and thoroughly enjoy the company of their friends, families, and new faces. Both ideas are actually assumptions and also inherently misleading as Introversion and Extroversion is not about how fast you speak, if you enjoy movies at home versus hanging out with friends, or whether or not you like meeting new people. The fact is that both types enjoy all of these things – the people, the movies, the conversations, etc; the difference lies within how these types experience and enjoy these things.

Also it would be important to recognize that these categories are not black and white but instead we all fall along a spectrum of Introversion/Extroversion and everyone is different and valuable. Our behaviours and patterns are further influenced by our geographical locations, our environments, our cultures, our religions, our families, our moods, and/or our circumstances, plus many, many more. That being said, the real deal about the Extrovert/Introvert types is actually how we gain and use our energy – how we rejuvenate after a long day, what stresses us out, how we prefer to communicate, which activities we prefer, and how much interaction we seek, which are all indicative of how we expend and generate energy. Without going into too much technical detail, this has to do with our Reticular Activating System in the brain (credit to Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, which I would highly recommend if you are interested in the topic). So, different ways of being and processing our environments: both valuable and valid.

So, how does this relate to my foray into the nature of Islam and Introversion, you ask? I think I spent a long time wondering (painfully and soul-crushingly) why I did not feel like everyone else whether it comes to acquaintances, friends, those characters on shows and movies, and especially my extended family. The questions arose: why was I not popular? Why didn’t anybody miss me when I was not around? Why did no one mention my name in an endearing way or show affection? Why did I stick out like a nail in the wall that everyone either walked around cautiously or avoided completely? Well, of course my overdriven mind came up with the most logical theories: I must be adopted, I may be invisible (and am unable to find the invisibility cloak I must be wearing), or that I hail from another planet in a distant galaxy and was mistakenly sent to Earth. Unfortunately, these theories went from humourous to dark quite quickly and no longer seemed like “theories” and more like truth: I am not wanted, I may as well not engage with anyone to avoid annoying them, I am unlikeable, I am unlovable, I am unworthy of a family, there is something terribly wrong with me, I am a bad person, I am a bad Muslim…I think I have failed my religion, I think I have failed God. I think Allah SWT does not love me either and therefore I do not belong in deen nor duniya and have no one to belong to. Yes, I did not only think these but will openly admit to believing them to my core (which I believed was inherently bad and worthless). I still believe most of them. Therefore I am hoping that the journey of writing this can result in finding my own small place within my deen and my duniya; and also be okay if I do not find it in the latter. I am certain that acceptance and a sense of belonging are intense needs for me as they are for human beings and thus do have a role in my experiences but I will instead work on describing my path towards the reconciliation between my Introversion and my path in Islam.

My realization and destination led to uncovering the idea that Introversion is indeed congruent with Islam and is in fact highly valued. Again, my disclaimer here is that being either type does not negate or predict our haya, humility, faith, and religious actions. I just needed to believe in my experience and see the evidence laid out. As stated earlier, both ways of being are valuable and valid; I used the word valid because this relates to my experience and has often defined my experience (negatively) of how I am treated and responded to in my immediate and extended family, extending to my community, my culture, and my religion. My religious intentions (and implicitly, my relationship with Allah SWT) are brought into question more frequently than not. I am a bad Muslim because I do not entertain 12 hours a day when people are around, I am quiet, I do not wake up early enough, I have no sense of responsibility to my family or my religion, I do not give enough, I only complain, I am upset all the time… how will I ever live in this great, big world of people, people, people with this attitude? That is interestingly how I am perceived. Therefore, my conclusion (completely based upon my own life) is that Introversion is NOT valued in my family, religion, or culture. In fact, I am a bad person for the way my brain works. I will tell you though: if I was an Extrovert, I am almost 100% certain that I would be treated a little more similarly to my other family members that are valued, appreciated, and praised. If I was Extroverted I would crave and seek out more interactions with people and family, I would be able to barely sleep and still have energy to hold animated conversations that include plenty of compliments, jokes, and entertaining stories, I would not need time to be alone or quiet, and most of all, I think I would be loved (at least on the surface). Now these are all assumptions of course – nothing says that both types do not partake in all of these activities or that I can be guaranteed love or acceptance but I am focusing on what is valued and what is shunned. As you can guess, Introversion is shunned and is apparently a sign of being a horrible Muslim. Whereas Extroversion is validated, encouraged, and praised because when comparing “She is so friendly and respectful.” versus “She is so withdrawn and hates interacting with other people. How disrespectful – she obviously doesn’t have any values. Who would marry her?” Which one would you prefer?

But here is the truth, MY truth: the only thing I make efforts towards when I am interacting with family members and other community members (whether out or when someone is in my home) is how can I make someone happy and comfortable to be here? How can I behave so that Allah SWT is not upset with my actions? How can I communicate that I am interested in people and wish them to have plenty to eat and drink while they are in my home? What activities can I scrounge up so that no one is bored and the kids can have some fun? How can I follow Sunnah and not upset anyone in my presence because of my unintentional or intentional actions? Am I a bad person? I used to care what the answer was but now I don’t. I care about answering: “Am I following the kindness of my deen to the best of my ability and knowledge at this time?” Sometimes that answer is yes, and sometimes it is no; however, I pray for forgiveness, more strength, and humility as to not let my moods or severe need for Introversion time turn into arrogance. It is not easy.

I found my strength reawakened by many aspects of Islam (and also recognize that I do not follow or do everything that I should do for my religion and Insha’Allah I hope to never stop trying to reach this):
▪ The value of moderation and balance (deen and duniya)
▪ Shyness as Sunnah
▪ A smile is worth a thousand words (and prevents excess talking!)
▪ Quietness a.k.a. refraining from excessive talking (see previous point J)

“It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and it is better still to sit with the good than alone. It is better to speak to a seeker of knowledge than to remain silent; but silence is better than idle words.” [Bukhari].

And…here is my list for why I believe my Introversion has helped me tremendously with my religion (please keep in mind that I know I am vastly far from being the Muslim I should be and therefore do not assert my experiences as opinions):
1. The times of prayer require us to be home or in a place we can pray – helpful since I love being at home!
2. Especially during the time of Maghrib it is good to be indoors and not outside.
3. Solitude and quiet actually helps me think and reflect upon my deeds while also allowing me to remember Allah SWT.
4. I am able to read and therefore gather knowledge Insha’Allah for the sake of betterment in my deen.
5. I can try to read Quran whereas after a hectic day of interactions I usually seek other activities in order to disengage (that is my fault however having my batteries charged definitely helps).
6. Avoiding eating meals outside and encourages me to cook at home (Alhamdullilah) and thus Insha’Allah reducing my contact with haraam sources.
7. Less gossip and opening my mouth and blurting out statements that are really not necessary for the betterment of the conversation.
8. Less judgment of others (this can be dependent on my depleting energy levels since more judgements arise when I am tired = less inhibitions).
9. Having better recall/memory therefore remembering to give charity, pray, etc.
10. Spending more time cleaning and maintaining my environment.
11. Napping after meals is good in Islam (just read this!) I do this a lot…
12. Finally, I encountered a little glimpse of acceptance when I stopped trying to chase the Extrovert life and began loving my authentic self which is precisely the time when I started chasing my deen…

I must mention that it is also Sunnah to accept invitations others have extended and attend gatherings. My only stipulation is that I enjoy sitting quietly for the most part and therefore easily fade away from people’s memories. It is not easy being an Introvert if people (especially parents) are against you when you are actually just exhausted and cannot expend any further energy or functional attention towards interacting or entertaining. It is not always selfishness or the shirking of my social duties that motivate me to step away or break down; it is actually similar to getting thirsty and craving water (on an energy level) to rehydrate one’s body in order to keep moving forward and I no longer want to apologize for my way of being or how Allah SWT created me. I definitely believe in all of us having to fight our instincts for the purpose of the greater good which does mean acting in opposition to our natural preferences on a regular basis however I also believe in nourishing ourselves with patience, care, and acceptance.

There is room for both ways of being. At the end, the guidance given to us by Allah SWT comes from our Beloved Prophet SAW, the Noble Quran, and maybe this voice inside our souls that acts as a chaperone for when we get lost, angry, or tired. I find my best strength in having faith that Allah SWT will guide this chaperoning voice to lead me down the path towards Him. YOU have to find your best strength – the strength that can carry you through uncomfortable situations and leads you back to gratitude or faith or anything that you decide to call it. The core that says it is okay to be either, to be both, or to be everything all at once.

Fast Food Shame

I recently had McDonald’s again. Oh the horror!!! The shame!!! I was on such a good streak with the coke guzzling too; I hadn’t had any for 3 and a half days. Don’t laugh, that’s like 84 hours of me fantasizing about coke without giving in. I even passed by three coolers filled with deliciously cold bottles and didn’t slide open any doors to grab one or six. My willpower was strong this week!
Then old habits knocked on the door. And I stress the word habit because that’s what was so sad about it; it was pure reflex to enter that drive thru and order my usual meal. I didn’t want it. I did not want it, I swear!

Usually even when I’m falling off the wagon, there is some part of me that really enjoys it. I still look forward to the exhilarating taste of salty fries, the creamy tartar sauce on the burger, the bubbly mouthful of cola, mm mm mmm! (Yup the filet-o-fish is our halal go-to!) This time though, I was just sad while eating it. It did nothing for me. I was hungry again 20 minutes later. I didn’t enjoy the taste. Don’t get me wrong, I was and am so grateful for the food! But it just wasn’t right.
I stared at the bag of food and felt that it wouldn’t have made a difference if it wasn’t there. There was no excitement this time. And what’s the point of fast food if there ain’t no love??

I don’t know if it’s a fluke; it quite possibly could be! I might love fast food again in a few days. Right now though, I’m craving real food. I’m spending time looking up extremely simple recipes to try (because I cannot cook for the life of me) and it all seems more appetizing than fast food, which is usually never the case for me (duh!). Seriously, there’s pizza sauce running in my veins. I don’t do healthy but it looks like my body’s finally yearning for it.

The other night I had a nice homemade meal and it tasted pretty good; it kept me at the right amount of calories, and I didn’t overeat. It took forever to make though! How do people have time to cook?? Hats off to moms and dads everywhere who cook every single day and don’t run off with a circus (because ya know, it’d be less work and a lot more fun). I know meal prepping is an option but I’m lazy and I give up after a couple days of it. I don’t get bored with eating the same foods all the time luckily but I do need the food to be warm and hearty. I want to focus on soups right now!! So I would like to try and find a menu that will work for my time and tastebuds, with enough variations that I don’t get bored, because even a person who doesn’t get bored easily still gets bored oneday!

Now, seeing as how pizza is my true love and soulmate, I will not abandon it. Ever. I will visit it once a week, maybe once every week and a half. I will keep its number on speed dial. It will be my emergency contact. I will not give up on it. I will bring it the same joy that it brings me. Pizza: we’re in this together. XOXO

I’m including a picture of that tasty homemade meal that took me 12 years and my youth to make. I had eaten half of it before I remembered to take a picture to share with all the people who don’t really give a flying fettuccine 🙂 It’s okay though, I love food pictures enough for everyone.

Introversion & Islam

I considered calling this post Introversion versus Islam because today that is what my teeny tiny dilemma is about. Wait, what happened to my resolution to not complain so much?? It’s floating in the garbage somewhere I think. Anywho! This week I’m trying to reconcile my faith/culture and my personality because I’m afraid that they clash, loudly and often! Any input from you guys would be much appreciated!

Over the years as a Muslim with Pakistani background, I have learned that guests are very honoured. Family is also valued, as seen from the wonderful example of our Prophet Muhammad SAW. I profoundly respect everything I have been taught about treating others right, it is such a beautiful aspect of Islam.

Having respect for something and actually doing it are very different things though! And I am seriously lacking in my ability to entertain properly. I’m 150% an introvert and as much as I try to be around people, it makes me miserable. I can absolutely love the people (which I often do!) but it drains me as if I had just finished a wrestling match. I feel beaten up and violated. I’ve tried so hard to be different. I’ve read books on how to be an introvert and balance it out with the world but nothing helps all that much. I like a safe distance from people. I like to observe them. I could watch people for days! But when I have to get involved, I die a little inside.

What good is a host that doesn’t get involved and entertain? Useless I tell ya. Not only do I not enjoy being with a lot of people, I’m incompetent at it! I say the stupidest things, I trip, I become very aware of how I’m sitting and breathing and that results in a lot of awkwardness. Overall it is just not a good experience. Also, most people find me boring. I find myself boring! It’s hard to get to know someone who doesn’t talk. Most of the time I sneak away from the hubbub to get away from all the energies of people so nobody even sees me a lot.

As I got older I was able to fake it a bit. I put away the sadness I feel when I’m around people and alhamdulilah I was able to have a good time. I was even able to have sleepovers with my family! Why is that a big deal you ask? Imagine being afraid of heights and getting stuck at the top of a roller coaster. All night. No escape ’til the morning. Maybe until two days later. It’s kind of like that! But I have to say it did make for some amazing memories. That still didn’t mean that I was fine. No matter what, it takes me a day or two to feel like myself again.

Now my real fear is this: what if when I get older, I’m abandoned because I’m such a homebody? As of right now, my parents and my sister carry me. If it wasn’t for their connections and facilitating, I wouldn’t talk to anyone. What happens if I’m ever on my own? Will I be so anti-social that I lose all connection with the world? Will anybody even remember me? And the biggest thing is, am I being a horrible person by staying away from people? So many people have my family over to their homes and do such nice things for us and it sincerely warms my heart. If it weren’t for my dad though, I wouldn’t have a clue how to reciprocate!

What do you guys think? I really do wish I could find it easy to be the same as the people I respect. But I find it so extremely hard! And then I become cranky and treat others with less respect than they deserve. I just love to be alone. I have a love/hate relationship with the phone. I love getting invited places, because how wonderful is it that someone cares about you enough to want your company (despite you being an anti-social buffoon)?! But then I know that I’m going to be exhausted and sick to my stomach until I’m home again.

I think I just have to train myself to not stress about it so much. I need to focus on how good it’ll feel to finally be home and away from people but also not let it take away from the present moment. I know the sacrifice is worth it because people aren’t going to be around forever and neither are the opportunities. I just wish my head would understand that!

Small Goals

I have always been an all-or-nothing type of person. Sadly, I usually end up on the “nothing” side of things. As much as this goes against every fibre of my being, this week I am trying to take things slow! Obviously my past approaches haven’t worked very well so I will have to tackle my goals slowly. This week I was planning on going to the gym a few times but the weather has other plans for me. It is so so so cold here!!! I can barely stand looking outside, let alone stepping foot out there! So I’m staying bundled up inside 🙂

Since that goal isn’t working out this week (ha ha! Puns, aren’t they great?), I have moved onto my next one. I actually almost fulfilled it today too! I’m trying to stay within my calorie goal. Typically I eat 2500 calories of junk and that is just horrible and unacceptable! So today I ate a nice healthy breakfast (eggs), made sure to have good snacks in between meals (nuts), and ate a semi-okay dinner (homemade fettuccine Alfredo – portion controlled; hey at least it’s not McDonald’s!). I actually found it difficult to not under-eat! When you take out all the juices and chocolates, it really cuts things down. I drank a lot more water today too so I feel very…clean? Haha refreshed I guess is a better word.

I did go over my calorie goal by about 200 at the end of the night because I gave in to a few chips and chocolates (I have GOT to get them out of the house!). I’m still optimistic about the rest of the week though! Today I realized that I am strong enough to do this. I did give in to those evil little snacks but not because I was lacking in my meals throughout the day. That has always worried me, whether I would be satisfied with healthier foods. I was happy today though! I’ve written out a meal plan that is nutritional and filling and I have everything I need in the house alhamdulilah. So I’d like to stick to that this week Insha’Allah :).

I know calorie counting isn’t always the greatest thing to do but it really helps me stay on track. And by tracking the numbers, I also make sure they are coming from good sources. I’m not obsessive about it but I do find it an important part of getting healthier.

Although I’m supposed to be doing one change at a time, this week I’m also giving up soda, namely Coke. I never feel good after having it so it’s not worth it anymore. It’s only been two days without it but it’s better than what I used to be like. If it were up to my old self, I’d be drinking it with meals, between meals, and as meals.

If the weather stays the same next week, I will clean off my treadmill and get my heart rate going at home! There’s tons of exercises I can do here so I will have to make that my goal for next week.

Wish me luck guys and stay tuned! I hope I can stick with it.

To Be an Adult

What does it mean to be an adult? How does a person become one? I used to believe wholeheartedly that it had to do with age. I didn’t know what the process was but I knew that by the time you were a certain age, you were without a doubt an adult. That may still be true, age probably does classify you as an adult in most places. What I failed to see was how much maturity has to do with it.

I don’t think there’s been one moment in my life that I have felt like a mature human being. I thought it would just happen out of the blue. I’m 24 now and it hasn’t hit yet. I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I might have to make it happen!

I didn’t think I minded not being mature but after some reflecting lately (because it’s January and all of mankind starts to reflect this month), I have realized that I’ve missed out on many opportunities and inconvenienced & hurt many people through my immaturity. Ouch. My self-awareness really likes to burn me sometimes.

I’m going to come out with it and say I make bad choices. I do, I really do. In fact, this blog is one of the very few good things I’ve done in my life! In regards to every other area though, I’ve made stupid decisions. I can’t even say they felt right at the time. I take the easy way out for almost everything. The sad thing is that this doesn’t only hurt me, it hurts those around me. I don’t make life easier for other people and I personally believe that helping others is part of maturity. If age is what determines being an adult, it means that I’ve had years to learn right and wrong. By now I should have learned that sometimes sacrificing yourself for others is the right thing to do, the Islamic thing to do. But I’ve put myself first without even realizing that it has become my identity, not just something I do every now and then. It is unhealthy and thus I am unhealthy. I put my needs first, I indulge myself. No wonder I gained 76 pounds!

Instead of helping my family out at home, I eat. Instead of taking care of my little cousins, I’m on my phone. Instead of having a good job through hard work, I’m working part-time because I’m lazy and scared. Instead of learning to cook, I do my nails. Instead of taking care of my sick mother, I sleep. Instead of helping my father out with the bills, I shop.

Basically, I run from any and all responsibility. I can’t be relied on for much. And I think I’m the last person to see this, that’s the sad thing! My family and friends are too nice to really say anything, God love ’em. The only thing they’ve ever asked is that I take care of my health, not even for their sake but for mine.

As for missed opportunities, I make any excuse to not do well. I never take chances because I’m scared of getting hurt or failing. The worst is that if I feel something will cut into my ‘me-time’, I won’t ever go for it, even if it’s good for me. Everything beneficial that has come to me in this life has all been through the grace of God and the generosity of my family because I am NOT a taker. I mean, I am a taker (cuz I definitely ain’t a giver!) but I’m not a go-getter, I don’t make things happen. I am just afraid of inconvenience and responsibility; those two are the same in my mind.

What made me realize that I basically suck as a person is that I’ve noticed people have stopped asking me to do things. They don’t ask for help or advice or anything. They know I’ll make an excuse to not do it. Or my lazy bones will take forever to do it. For the first time I’m finally seeing that I’m a burden. It’s heartbreaking. I never wanted to hurt people. I just didn’t want to hurt myself. But I ended up doing both.

Changes must come. Sacrifices must be made. The food must be put down. The phone must be put away. The credit card must be left at home. I must stop saying no. I must be a better person from now on! Insha’Allah 🙂

Attitude of Gratitude

A few days ago I started a very rewarding exercise! It’s not exactly physical, it doesn’t burn any calories (maybe like 2?) but it does bring me a lot of peace 🙂 I’m sure many of you do it as well or have heard of it.

I have started a Gratitude Journal! It’s simply a list of things I am grateful for. I had read that these types of activities really help bring happiness and especially awareness to people’s lives but I didn’t really put much weight into believing that. Just like I didn’t really think it would make a difference to write down what I ate every day. Then I started to do that a few years ago and saw that it really does help make changes in your life once you know exactly what is going on.

I decided to try quickly jotting down a few things in the journal and found that I couldn’t stop! I wrote for 20 minutes straight. The list ranged from “little” things like being able to experience certain foods to really big things like getting out of very bad situations in the past. The great thing about writing all of this down is that although I already knew about the events in my life (of course), I actually started appreciating them. I stepped back into the past and enjoyed my favourite memories again. So I thanked Allah profusely for His blessings. I also relived moments when I thought I would just die from stress, or hurt, or embarrassment, or hatred. And I also thank Allah profusely for His blessings in those times; not only for getting me out of them when I thought it would never end, but also for making me stronger by putting me through it all.

This list also helped me remember things that I’ve forgotten about so it’s kind of like a new clarity on my life. As if I just watched a movie of it!

I’m pleasantly surprised that this made such a difference for me. I found myself smiling randomly in the days after. I don’t even recall specifics most of the time, just the feeling of absolute contentment and knowing that, man am I blessed beyond belief!! ALHAMDULILAH! I have this spot of warmth in my heart from this list. I think because I’m a visual person this really made an impression in my mind more than anything else could have.

If you haven’t tried this before, I encourage you to do so and see if it makes a difference for you. I think what made a difference for me was including smaller things as well as the really big things because usually the big ones already stand out in our minds. It’s the little every day things which become routine that we take for granted. When we think about people who are less fortunate than us, it really hits us that they sometimes don’t get the experience of having 17 options of juice or going to see a movie. Thankfully with this list, it made me want to give even more. I want to make more donations this year Insha’Allah! I got this feeling of knowing that because I’ve had so many blessings already, more than I could have ever imagined, that if my life ended right now, insha’Allah I wouldn’t be dissatisfied. Sure I have a lot of things on my to-do list that I haven’t done or seen yet but I have to take account of all the things that weren’t on my list and I still got to experience!

There was one more way this list helped transform me. Didn’t think I was done yet did you?? 😉
I need to stop complaining!! Okay that might be far-fetched, but at the very least I need to stop being so dramatic about my problems. Especially verbally. I make this plan a lot and it never works out. After a few days I find myself getting negative again. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again because it’s so draining, not just for me but for everyone around me. I don’t talk about good stuff enough. When I do try though, I find I see my areas of stress in a new light. They don’t seem as big and I find new solutions for them. Or even if there’s no new solution, there is the confidence to carry out an old one.

What I would like to do when I get overwhelmed with a situation is mentally go over my Gratitude List. What is one bad situation compared to all the good things I have going on? It might be as simple as remembering a fantastic meal (because I am seriously in love with food) or as awesome as remembering my favourite vacation (Disney World because I will always be young at heart) or as awe-inspiring as a particularly emotional prayer from the past (those moments are the best subhanallah!). People might wonder at the goofy smile on my face at an inappropriate time but it’ll definitely help reduce stress, iA.

Now how do I put this list to use for my health journey? It’s simpler than I thought. See, at this exact moment I am sitting in front of a platter of mouth-watering chocolate chip pancakes made by my awesome sister. And accompanying that is the sweetest syrup I’ve ever tasted. I’ve had three pancakes already and can easily go for the fourth. It’s staring at me. No one else at the table wants it. I can practically see my name written in chocolate chips! But I’m going to say no. Because I realize I’m being greedy. Instead of being grateful and reflecting on the delicious three that I just had, the three that filled my stomach perfectly, I’m trying to take more. My greedy self thinks it’ll be awesome to have one more, that it’ll make the experience better, but my sensible self knows that’s just not true. I always eat too much and ruin the experience. I feel bloated and feel like throwing up, especially lately because I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve been eating so much, just stuffing myself every time I eat. I feel pretty gross these days. But right now I’m going to drink my cold water and reflect on how good my pancakes were. The three that are sitting nicely in my tummy, not fighting for space 🙂

SYDB: 10 Ways to Being a Single and Content Muslimah

Wonderful read!